Monday, May 07, 2007


An open letter to "Mommy"

Dear "Mommy"

You know I has a routine that I must stick to. If you doesn't play "fingers" wif me when you go down the stairs in the morning (or anytime really) I cannot eat brekfest. I gets so upset that I has to run back upstairs and yowl until you come up and ask me what's wrong. I has to hide unner the bed. Then I has to run around like my butt is on fire and yowl some more. By the time I am ready to eat brekfest, Miles has already eaten mine, so I has to yowl for more foods.

I has to haf crunchy food out at all times. If I runs out of crunchy foods in the middle of the night, I has to wake you up to tell you. How come you nefurr unnerstand me when I tell you I has no crunchy foods? Then I gets frustrated and has to whap you in the head wif stuff from the bedside table. I doesn't want to be bad, but I has to haf my crunchy foods.

If you is outside and the door is open, then I has to look out the door to make shur that no monsters eat you. There is monsters outside. I haf seed them when I was a baby and was losted outside. Just 'acause I looks out the door doesn't mean I wants to go out, or efenn wants to be near the door at the same time you is near the door. If you is near the door, that mean the door will open, and when the door opens, I get really stressed out and I haf to run and hide.

I fink most cats really haf efenn steps. I doesn't fink I look like I is marching when I is walking. Just 'acause Miles gallops and canters around the house like a horse doesn't mean I do it. It also doesn't mean I am obsessif compulsif or anyfing like that. And please stop laffing at me when I run - I'm not "double timing" my marching when I run. It doesn't mean anyfing that each of my steps is 'zaktly the same lengf all the time.

Now, about what you call my "front butt". That's just really mean "Mommy". I am not muscular like Miles. I am the soft, squishy floofy one. And I WEIGH LESS than Miles, and the v-e-t does not fink I am fat, so leaf it alone please. It herts my self esteem.

I hope that this helps you unnerstand me more "Mommy". Hopefully we will not haf anofurr ugly whapping incident tonight - please check the crunchy bowl 'afore bed.

Your loving floofy Sammy


Flat Cat, Sampan, and Lydia said...

I hope this "Mommy" person listens to you because that is COLD making fun of your weight. The lady and man who live with me call me "Orca" sometimes which I don't like! And Sam and Lydia call me Fat Cat! I am very muscular and yet fluffy! I know how you feel.

Sincerely, FLAT Cat

Please excuse my young colleague, Flat Cat; he tends to make everything about him. I applaud your setting out your issues and arguments in writing so that Mommy cannot pretend not to have understood them. Have you considered a career as a lawyer? You have a very persuasive style. We are new to blogging and much enjoy your work.

Sincerely, Sampan

Ha, you fully laid it on the line with Mommy! Dude, Sam is right for once; you should TOTALLY consider law school.


Caesar and Princess said...

this is a very good letter to your mommie. I hope she reads it seven times so she does not miss any of these very important points. mostly the crunchies in the middle of the night!

Cheysuli said...

You tell her Sammy. Everyone has to have their own personality and your human needs to honor yours.

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

Ugh....front butt. The Tall Man tells me I have one and I'm as skinny as a toothpick so it can't be a bad thing.


I was upset this morning because I always run down the stairs next to Meowmy and she puts her hand down to touch my tail. She couldn't touch it because it is droopy :(.


Daisy said...

Sammy, you are a smart boy to put all these things in writing for your Mommy to read. I hope she learns some things from you. Like never to let the crunchy food bowl run dry!

Renee said...

I think your threats of night time whappings might work.

DEBRA said...


Yu can come share my crunchies any night yu wants to. Momma has two bowls out furrs us and der is always crunchies when you get a taste fur sum nice crunches.

Don't werry Sammy yur Mommie is only foolin wif yu. She loves yur nice floofy soft as silk furrs. I knoos I do. I fink yu is furry handsome and manly.

Purrs and Nosekisses

Your adoring little angel kitty

Pee Sss
:::wavin Paws:::

HI Miles!!!!!

Big Piney Woods Cats said...

Well put, Sammy, but, I am telling from sperience, it will do no good!!

The Meezer Gang said...

Sammy, Good for you to stand up for yourself!!! We would do all those things if our food bowl was empty!

yao-lin said...

ha ha ha excellent open letter to your human. I hope she gets the message, for her sake! xx

Karen Jo said...

You have expressed yourself very well to your Mommy, Sammy. I hope she takes it all to heart. The crunchies should never be allowed to run out.

DK & The Fluffies said...

Good luck, let us know if you get anywhere...

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

No one should ever make fun of a cat. We dave our dignity to uphold and it hurts our feelings deeply. We are with you on this one Miles!

Ernesto said...

Sammy, I understand what you are saying about these humans. One of the Feeders calls me keg-shaped! I don't think that's very nice either.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Oh Sammy ... You get jibes about your weight, too? Mom calls me "Shamu-mu" and it hurts my feelings. Oh, and what's up with the empty kibble bowl? That really hurts!

Lux said...

I feel for you, Sammy, because I'm always getting that weight-thing from Mom. Sigh.

The letter is a really good idea, though.

Derby said...

At least you have spelled it out for her, put it in writing. If she can't follow directions, well, maybe your mum needs to go back to school.

William said...

Oh gosh, this is so sad! I hope your "Mommy" understands how much your feelings are hurt by all this.

Forty Paws said...

Dis front butt ting is noo to us. We must look it up on da innernetz. We dunt unnerstan why your Mommy duznt just fill da bowl wif crunchies. It would stop all da wappin an den u wouldn't git yelled at. Hello? What is wrong wit dis pitchur?

Congratulations on getting 100% on your PoP Kwiz on da Okapi!

Miles, do u git put in da timeout chair in skool a lot? U ist always crakin jokes.

Luf, Us

Kukka-Maria said...

"Front butt..." *SNORT*

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